Happy New Year!!
Hey, I made it to graduate school! It is just costing me a fortune is all. Firstly, because I decided upon a private school and secondly because I decided to go out-of-state.
And really, it's not MY education. The bank owns it like it owns your house when you have a mortgage. Not a very comforting thought eh? It is more like the bank owns me. Welcome to the new slavery. Ay yay yay! I do not really want to think about how long it will take to pay off my loans...
Rather, I am thinking how I can come up with an app that will pay for another year of schooling here and pay off my mum's house so she can retire and enjoy her late years of able-bodiness. Too, I would like to get a house for at least one of my sisters so she can have some stability while raising my niece.
What is in it for me? This master's programme is just a step toward the Ph.D. I will earn this ultimate credential before I gain half-century status. By golly, I have one more decade to fulfill that endeavour! And then I can tick off that box marked "Dr." versus "Ms."
Having said that, you understand that I am way past consideration to donate my ova to finance my educational goals. I thought of some other avenues but I have to maintain a reputable name for myself for where I want to go...
But c'mon! Can you imagine how entertaining I would be doing clown burlesque? And in MADhattan, too. I am still doing the martial arts and the hula hooping classes so who knows. My various recreational fancies may actually pay off some day.
Until then, I continue with the same ole song of woe and ways of folly. There is hope for me folks, don't give up yet. If I do not find my niche, I will carve it. May brillance shine on...
Cheers!!
1.2.12
15.5.10
Popularity is a Rarity
It is the penultimate year prior to the new decade and curve balls are thrown this way and that. Now I am stuck across the Bay in the Tri City area driving an old Acura, wearing double digit size jeans, Dansko shoes with laces, and an awfully nice black blazer that I picked up at the thrift store. That is not to mention the face paint which conveniently passes for makeup!
Indeed, it is true that I am out of work but not quite out of hope as I figure out how to survive in the Bay Area with dignity. Despite not having a job, I do have a room in the house of my mom! It is not so bad having to return to the fringe now that there is no longer any income. Actually, it gives me the opportunity to stash the credit card and get by on cash while FINALLY returning to a healthy diet full of greens. Hello again farmers' market and home gardening!
Not surprisingly, my extensive education in the realm of academics is not so eagerly welcomed by the business community in this strained economy. My experience in I.T. (information technology) and marketing is not doing much for me to say nothing about my recent training in Travel Careers and Tour Management.
However, the prospects look good for work in terms of my other endeavours in Copyediting, Technical Communication, and Translation. The catch is that I have not yet finished these programmes and unfortunately, I cannot afford to continue with them now (what with no money). Which says something about the prospect for graduate school in autumn, too.
Sigh.
Indeed, it is true that I am out of work but not quite out of hope as I figure out how to survive in the Bay Area with dignity. Despite not having a job, I do have a room in the house of my mom! It is not so bad having to return to the fringe now that there is no longer any income. Actually, it gives me the opportunity to stash the credit card and get by on cash while FINALLY returning to a healthy diet full of greens. Hello again farmers' market and home gardening!
Not surprisingly, my extensive education in the realm of academics is not so eagerly welcomed by the business community in this strained economy. My experience in I.T. (information technology) and marketing is not doing much for me to say nothing about my recent training in Travel Careers and Tour Management.
However, the prospects look good for work in terms of my other endeavours in Copyediting, Technical Communication, and Translation. The catch is that I have not yet finished these programmes and unfortunately, I cannot afford to continue with them now (what with no money). Which says something about the prospect for graduate school in autumn, too.
Sigh.
30.11.08
Obliteration
Ha! I have taken the hammer to my idealism and smashed any semblance of normality to bits.
How was it that I thought that I could ever enter into a sphere of sanity? That is plain crazy.
Despite my design, I do not have that capability. I think it was deleted from the main frame years ago from lack of use.
So I am basically stuck being as-is. Yep, as that cartoon character on a channel that no one really tunes into anymore. Except for some children. And you were always wondering why I did get along so well with children...
But for people my age and older and even those slightly younger, all you so-called adults, forget it.
I will never be understood much less truly appreciated in this country. I accept the fate that I shall not ever be accepted, cherished, or loved by anyone other than myself here. And that is why I loathe this existence and shall continue getting caught up with my fantasies until I save up enough money to run off to another country for yet another enlightening experience on this whole theme!
Blasted! I am proud of my Canadian heart!
One day, I will go home. I promise. I just have not suffered enough for the longing to truly pierce through yet.
Then again, I have become significantly de-sensitized over the last 120 hours...
And I am still scared of all of you so stay away from me!
How was it that I thought that I could ever enter into a sphere of sanity? That is plain crazy.
Despite my design, I do not have that capability. I think it was deleted from the main frame years ago from lack of use.
So I am basically stuck being as-is. Yep, as that cartoon character on a channel that no one really tunes into anymore. Except for some children. And you were always wondering why I did get along so well with children...
But for people my age and older and even those slightly younger, all you so-called adults, forget it.
I will never be understood much less truly appreciated in this country. I accept the fate that I shall not ever be accepted, cherished, or loved by anyone other than myself here. And that is why I loathe this existence and shall continue getting caught up with my fantasies until I save up enough money to run off to another country for yet another enlightening experience on this whole theme!
Blasted! I am proud of my Canadian heart!
One day, I will go home. I promise. I just have not suffered enough for the longing to truly pierce through yet.
Then again, I have become significantly de-sensitized over the last 120 hours...
And I am still scared of all of you so stay away from me!
27.11.08
Double Blink
Phew.
It has been a difficult week. And yet, it has not been quite a week, it is two days shy of that.
Anyway, I have finally emerged from that craze that had engulfed me last week. Talk about being overly sentimental. I almost think that I am ashamed of myself. But really, I am not. I am content at where it took me.
In the "end," I had successfully wrestled with fantasy and relegated it back to the scripted word. It turned into a ferocious fight actually. But dreamland is contained once again and the words flow ever so effortlessly.
Thank goodness for those lengthy train rides into the city twice a week! They allow me the space and time to at least partially examine what semblance of sanity is left in me.
To be honest, it is quite a feat that I have managed to get along without writing for so long. Sure, I have been wreaking havoc in my life by trying out some elements in the "real" world. And the negotiation of the different worlds, the re-interpretations of deeds and intentions... I do not really know why I wasted my time.
Oh yeah, because I was too lazy to separate fact from fiction and too attached to fiction to care much about fact and ultimately too overwhelmed by the myriad of different situations I have managed to mingle myself into within reality to know any difference. Something like that.
So now that I have some bearing on where I am at, I can proceed with the original ambition of breaking the mold I had so earnestly crafted for myself prior to leaving this country (and "reality").
Change is long overdue. And if it is indeed within our blueprints to mirror the processes that occur on a macro scale on our own micro scale, then it is so very much time to re-enable that dynamic element of existence. Yes, even if it means destroying, make that obliterating, the statue that we have come to identify ourselves with.
You know the one I mean, right? The fixed idea we have of ourselves as being a such-and-such-person that acts in such-and-such way. I mean, why else is it that I get upset with myself over my reaction to things? It is because of the discrepancies between what I want to be and what I am. It is like getting angry when things are not going the way they are "supposed to go" which is based solely on what is imagined in my head, and which is intimately tied to this static idea of self. Tsk, tsk. It is the whole notion of how reality is seen that is at fault. Indeed, and it all comes down to being out of touch with life. Wow.
So, yeah. I decided I do not want to go that route anymore. That there is no fixed ideal to aspire towards anymore. That I just have to go out there and live and see what becomes of life without judgment but with a big open heart. I think I am capable of that. Nay. I know I am.
Unless, of course, I am dreaming again.
It has been a difficult week. And yet, it has not been quite a week, it is two days shy of that.
Anyway, I have finally emerged from that craze that had engulfed me last week. Talk about being overly sentimental. I almost think that I am ashamed of myself. But really, I am not. I am content at where it took me.
In the "end," I had successfully wrestled with fantasy and relegated it back to the scripted word. It turned into a ferocious fight actually. But dreamland is contained once again and the words flow ever so effortlessly.
Thank goodness for those lengthy train rides into the city twice a week! They allow me the space and time to at least partially examine what semblance of sanity is left in me.
To be honest, it is quite a feat that I have managed to get along without writing for so long. Sure, I have been wreaking havoc in my life by trying out some elements in the "real" world. And the negotiation of the different worlds, the re-interpretations of deeds and intentions... I do not really know why I wasted my time.
Oh yeah, because I was too lazy to separate fact from fiction and too attached to fiction to care much about fact and ultimately too overwhelmed by the myriad of different situations I have managed to mingle myself into within reality to know any difference. Something like that.
So now that I have some bearing on where I am at, I can proceed with the original ambition of breaking the mold I had so earnestly crafted for myself prior to leaving this country (and "reality").
Change is long overdue. And if it is indeed within our blueprints to mirror the processes that occur on a macro scale on our own micro scale, then it is so very much time to re-enable that dynamic element of existence. Yes, even if it means destroying, make that obliterating, the statue that we have come to identify ourselves with.
You know the one I mean, right? The fixed idea we have of ourselves as being a such-and-such-person that acts in such-and-such way. I mean, why else is it that I get upset with myself over my reaction to things? It is because of the discrepancies between what I want to be and what I am. It is like getting angry when things are not going the way they are "supposed to go" which is based solely on what is imagined in my head, and which is intimately tied to this static idea of self. Tsk, tsk. It is the whole notion of how reality is seen that is at fault. Indeed, and it all comes down to being out of touch with life. Wow.
So, yeah. I decided I do not want to go that route anymore. That there is no fixed ideal to aspire towards anymore. That I just have to go out there and live and see what becomes of life without judgment but with a big open heart. I think I am capable of that. Nay. I know I am.
Unless, of course, I am dreaming again.
Flossing
I have been speculating about this one for a bit of while now.
But the similarities are too apparent.
Do you know what it is like when you start flossing again
after you had stopped for some time?
It takes some getting used to all over again.
Meanwhile, there is a big mess in the sink every time.
Ick.
But after a few days of flossing, the gums grow accustomed
to that manner of massage, so to speak, and the sink is cleaner.
Plus the mouth feels more refreshed after brushing the teeth.
It is back to an overall good feeling all the way around.
Yay!
But the similarities are too apparent.
Do you know what it is like when you start flossing again
after you had stopped for some time?
It takes some getting used to all over again.
Meanwhile, there is a big mess in the sink every time.
Ick.
But after a few days of flossing, the gums grow accustomed
to that manner of massage, so to speak, and the sink is cleaner.
Plus the mouth feels more refreshed after brushing the teeth.
It is back to an overall good feeling all the way around.
Yay!
22.11.08
Fact or Fiction
So it came to me the other day. And I was not even obsessing then. I was merely reminiscing. It was random but I saw a picture and it was him although it was not him. It was him as he wants to be. And I can see that clearly. In the future, call it fantasy, it was most definitely him.
Then I had another flash. It was prior to the onslaught of affection that has since seized me. I saw him again very clearly and he was amidst his art. He was living it, being it, and it was a sight to behold.
And I was very inspired. I was touched in a most profound way. Was it a message to me to follow? To live out my poetry in full, too? My heart bled then. Something clicked and for a moment I recognized and even appreciated my own humanity.
What kind of crazy recipe for happiness had I come upon? Let me stop being a cat for moment...
Maybe then is when it happened. When a desire arose to see through that vision and become a part of that beauty. I had been going about it all wrong all by myself. I needed a partner all along. I need him. And he needs me. We need each other to shine through the banality of our everyday struggles.
Yes, we can be successful. But moreover, it IS possible for both of us to be happy and to be happy together in this vile and ugly world. Go figure.
Then I had another flash. It was prior to the onslaught of affection that has since seized me. I saw him again very clearly and he was amidst his art. He was living it, being it, and it was a sight to behold.
And I was very inspired. I was touched in a most profound way. Was it a message to me to follow? To live out my poetry in full, too? My heart bled then. Something clicked and for a moment I recognized and even appreciated my own humanity.
What kind of crazy recipe for happiness had I come upon? Let me stop being a cat for moment...
Maybe then is when it happened. When a desire arose to see through that vision and become a part of that beauty. I had been going about it all wrong all by myself. I needed a partner all along. I need him. And he needs me. We need each other to shine through the banality of our everyday struggles.
Yes, we can be successful. But moreover, it IS possible for both of us to be happy and to be happy together in this vile and ugly world. Go figure.
Memories on the Rebound
What you have to understand is that it never ended. Partly because it never really started. It took about 20 years of incubation for the moment to arrive.
I have to admit that I was hooked from the start. There was something about the lad that caught my eye. And although it felt like he put me off in the beginning, here we are today.
And I feel our connection much more deeply now. Or maybe I have just allowed it to finally sink in. We are alike in some creepy ways. You can say that he is the male version of me in many cases. Yeah, can you imagine?
That would be a scary thought. Except not because there is a shared understanding on our outlook of life, on this dread of existence. I believe our foundations are the same if not very similar. The disparity clearly arises in presentation.
He looks at things from earth whereas I see things from heaven. Our minds meet in the middle and I have to say that intellectual intimacy has never been an issue for us. It is the extension of that that he had invited. Being on different channels, I missed that call altogether. Until now, anyway.
And I do not mind coming down from the clouds to engage an uncertain possibility. I am seriously intrigued by the prospect although quite frightened by the notion of appearing on a channel other than cartoon. Will my animated character be able to step up to this new kind of interaction?
Therein is the challenge, to grow beyond our zone of ease and comfort. And many of you would say it is about time anyway. I am up to take a leap of faith. I am curious to meet this mystery, the more to life than I know already.
Do not get me wrong, I have my doubts, especially since I cannot delineate between fantasy and reality anymore. But the point is to try this out. The effort means a great deal. I have to take a chance and see what becomes of it. If nothing else, I will have ample new material for more writing.
I have to admit that I was hooked from the start. There was something about the lad that caught my eye. And although it felt like he put me off in the beginning, here we are today.
And I feel our connection much more deeply now. Or maybe I have just allowed it to finally sink in. We are alike in some creepy ways. You can say that he is the male version of me in many cases. Yeah, can you imagine?
That would be a scary thought. Except not because there is a shared understanding on our outlook of life, on this dread of existence. I believe our foundations are the same if not very similar. The disparity clearly arises in presentation.
He looks at things from earth whereas I see things from heaven. Our minds meet in the middle and I have to say that intellectual intimacy has never been an issue for us. It is the extension of that that he had invited. Being on different channels, I missed that call altogether. Until now, anyway.
And I do not mind coming down from the clouds to engage an uncertain possibility. I am seriously intrigued by the prospect although quite frightened by the notion of appearing on a channel other than cartoon. Will my animated character be able to step up to this new kind of interaction?
Therein is the challenge, to grow beyond our zone of ease and comfort. And many of you would say it is about time anyway. I am up to take a leap of faith. I am curious to meet this mystery, the more to life than I know already.
Do not get me wrong, I have my doubts, especially since I cannot delineate between fantasy and reality anymore. But the point is to try this out. The effort means a great deal. I have to take a chance and see what becomes of it. If nothing else, I will have ample new material for more writing.
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