Double Blink

Phew.

It has been a difficult week. And yet, it has not been quite a week, it is two days shy of that.

Anyway, I have finally emerged from that craze that had engulfed me last week. Talk about being overly sentimental. I almost think that I am ashamed of myself. But really, I am not. I am content at where it took me.

In the "end," I had successfully wrestled with fantasy and relegated it back to the scripted word. It turned into a ferocious fight actually. But dreamland is contained once again and the words flow ever so effortlessly.

Thank goodness for those lengthy train rides into the city twice a week! They allow me the space and time to at least partially examine what semblance of sanity is left in me.

To be honest, it is quite a feat that I have managed to get along without writing for so long. Sure, I have been wreaking havoc in my life by trying out some elements in the "real" world. And the negotiation of the different worlds, the re-interpretations of deeds and intentions... I do not really know why I wasted my time.

Oh yeah, because I was too lazy to separate fact from fiction and too attached to fiction to care much about fact and ultimately too overwhelmed by the myriad of different situations I have managed to mingle myself into within reality to know any difference. Something like that.

So now that I have some bearing on where I am at, I can proceed with the original ambition of breaking the mold I had so earnestly crafted for myself prior to leaving this country (and "reality").

Change is long overdue. And if it is indeed within our blueprints to mirror the processes that occur on a macro scale on our own micro scale, then it is so very much time to re-enable that dynamic element of existence. Yes, even if it means destroying, make that obliterating, the statue that we have come to identify ourselves with.

You know the one I mean, right? The fixed idea we have of ourselves as being a such-and-such-person that acts in such-and-such way. I mean, why else is it that I get upset with myself over my reaction to things? It is because of the discrepancies between what I want to be and what I am. It is like getting angry when things are not going the way they are "supposed to go" which is based solely on what is imagined in my head, and which is intimately tied to this static idea of self. Tsk, tsk. It is the whole notion of how reality is seen that is at fault. Indeed, and it all comes down to being out of touch with life. Wow.

So, yeah. I decided I do not want to go that route anymore. That there is no fixed ideal to aspire towards anymore. That I just have to go out there and live and see what becomes of life without judgment but with a big open heart. I think I am capable of that. Nay. I know I am.

Unless, of course, I am dreaming again.