Ha! I have taken the hammer to my idealism and smashed any semblance of normality to bits.
How was it that I thought that I could ever enter into a sphere of sanity? That is plain crazy.
Despite my design, I do not have that capability. I think it was deleted from the main frame years ago from lack of use.
So I am basically stuck being as-is. Yep, as that cartoon character on a channel that no one really tunes into anymore. Except for some children. And you were always wondering why I did get along so well with children...
But for people my age and older and even those slightly younger, all you so-called adults, forget it.
I will never be understood much less truly appreciated in this country. I accept the fate that I shall not ever be accepted, cherished, or loved by anyone other than myself here. And that is why I loathe this existence and shall continue getting caught up with my fantasies until I save up enough money to run off to another country for yet another enlightening experience on this whole theme!
Blasted! I am proud of my Canadian heart!
One day, I will go home. I promise. I just have not suffered enough for the longing to truly pierce through yet.
Then again, I have become significantly de-sensitized over the last 120 hours...
And I am still scared of all of you so stay away from me!
30.11.08
27.11.08
Double Blink
Phew.
It has been a difficult week. And yet, it has not been quite a week, it is two days shy of that.
Anyway, I have finally emerged from that craze that had engulfed me last week. Talk about being overly sentimental. I almost think that I am ashamed of myself. But really, I am not. I am content at where it took me.
In the "end," I had successfully wrestled with fantasy and relegated it back to the scripted word. It turned into a ferocious fight actually. But dreamland is contained once again and the words flow ever so effortlessly.
Thank goodness for those lengthy train rides into the city twice a week! They allow me the space and time to at least partially examine what semblance of sanity is left in me.
To be honest, it is quite a feat that I have managed to get along without writing for so long. Sure, I have been wreaking havoc in my life by trying out some elements in the "real" world. And the negotiation of the different worlds, the re-interpretations of deeds and intentions... I do not really know why I wasted my time.
Oh yeah, because I was too lazy to separate fact from fiction and too attached to fiction to care much about fact and ultimately too overwhelmed by the myriad of different situations I have managed to mingle myself into within reality to know any difference. Something like that.
So now that I have some bearing on where I am at, I can proceed with the original ambition of breaking the mold I had so earnestly crafted for myself prior to leaving this country (and "reality").
Change is long overdue. And if it is indeed within our blueprints to mirror the processes that occur on a macro scale on our own micro scale, then it is so very much time to re-enable that dynamic element of existence. Yes, even if it means destroying, make that obliterating, the statue that we have come to identify ourselves with.
You know the one I mean, right? The fixed idea we have of ourselves as being a such-and-such-person that acts in such-and-such way. I mean, why else is it that I get upset with myself over my reaction to things? It is because of the discrepancies between what I want to be and what I am. It is like getting angry when things are not going the way they are "supposed to go" which is based solely on what is imagined in my head, and which is intimately tied to this static idea of self. Tsk, tsk. It is the whole notion of how reality is seen that is at fault. Indeed, and it all comes down to being out of touch with life. Wow.
So, yeah. I decided I do not want to go that route anymore. That there is no fixed ideal to aspire towards anymore. That I just have to go out there and live and see what becomes of life without judgment but with a big open heart. I think I am capable of that. Nay. I know I am.
Unless, of course, I am dreaming again.
It has been a difficult week. And yet, it has not been quite a week, it is two days shy of that.
Anyway, I have finally emerged from that craze that had engulfed me last week. Talk about being overly sentimental. I almost think that I am ashamed of myself. But really, I am not. I am content at where it took me.
In the "end," I had successfully wrestled with fantasy and relegated it back to the scripted word. It turned into a ferocious fight actually. But dreamland is contained once again and the words flow ever so effortlessly.
Thank goodness for those lengthy train rides into the city twice a week! They allow me the space and time to at least partially examine what semblance of sanity is left in me.
To be honest, it is quite a feat that I have managed to get along without writing for so long. Sure, I have been wreaking havoc in my life by trying out some elements in the "real" world. And the negotiation of the different worlds, the re-interpretations of deeds and intentions... I do not really know why I wasted my time.
Oh yeah, because I was too lazy to separate fact from fiction and too attached to fiction to care much about fact and ultimately too overwhelmed by the myriad of different situations I have managed to mingle myself into within reality to know any difference. Something like that.
So now that I have some bearing on where I am at, I can proceed with the original ambition of breaking the mold I had so earnestly crafted for myself prior to leaving this country (and "reality").
Change is long overdue. And if it is indeed within our blueprints to mirror the processes that occur on a macro scale on our own micro scale, then it is so very much time to re-enable that dynamic element of existence. Yes, even if it means destroying, make that obliterating, the statue that we have come to identify ourselves with.
You know the one I mean, right? The fixed idea we have of ourselves as being a such-and-such-person that acts in such-and-such way. I mean, why else is it that I get upset with myself over my reaction to things? It is because of the discrepancies between what I want to be and what I am. It is like getting angry when things are not going the way they are "supposed to go" which is based solely on what is imagined in my head, and which is intimately tied to this static idea of self. Tsk, tsk. It is the whole notion of how reality is seen that is at fault. Indeed, and it all comes down to being out of touch with life. Wow.
So, yeah. I decided I do not want to go that route anymore. That there is no fixed ideal to aspire towards anymore. That I just have to go out there and live and see what becomes of life without judgment but with a big open heart. I think I am capable of that. Nay. I know I am.
Unless, of course, I am dreaming again.
Flossing
I have been speculating about this one for a bit of while now.
But the similarities are too apparent.
Do you know what it is like when you start flossing again
after you had stopped for some time?
It takes some getting used to all over again.
Meanwhile, there is a big mess in the sink every time.
Ick.
But after a few days of flossing, the gums grow accustomed
to that manner of massage, so to speak, and the sink is cleaner.
Plus the mouth feels more refreshed after brushing the teeth.
It is back to an overall good feeling all the way around.
Yay!
But the similarities are too apparent.
Do you know what it is like when you start flossing again
after you had stopped for some time?
It takes some getting used to all over again.
Meanwhile, there is a big mess in the sink every time.
Ick.
But after a few days of flossing, the gums grow accustomed
to that manner of massage, so to speak, and the sink is cleaner.
Plus the mouth feels more refreshed after brushing the teeth.
It is back to an overall good feeling all the way around.
Yay!
22.11.08
Fact or Fiction
So it came to me the other day. And I was not even obsessing then. I was merely reminiscing. It was random but I saw a picture and it was him although it was not him. It was him as he wants to be. And I can see that clearly. In the future, call it fantasy, it was most definitely him.
Then I had another flash. It was prior to the onslaught of affection that has since seized me. I saw him again very clearly and he was amidst his art. He was living it, being it, and it was a sight to behold.
And I was very inspired. I was touched in a most profound way. Was it a message to me to follow? To live out my poetry in full, too? My heart bled then. Something clicked and for a moment I recognized and even appreciated my own humanity.
What kind of crazy recipe for happiness had I come upon? Let me stop being a cat for moment...
Maybe then is when it happened. When a desire arose to see through that vision and become a part of that beauty. I had been going about it all wrong all by myself. I needed a partner all along. I need him. And he needs me. We need each other to shine through the banality of our everyday struggles.
Yes, we can be successful. But moreover, it IS possible for both of us to be happy and to be happy together in this vile and ugly world. Go figure.
Then I had another flash. It was prior to the onslaught of affection that has since seized me. I saw him again very clearly and he was amidst his art. He was living it, being it, and it was a sight to behold.
And I was very inspired. I was touched in a most profound way. Was it a message to me to follow? To live out my poetry in full, too? My heart bled then. Something clicked and for a moment I recognized and even appreciated my own humanity.
What kind of crazy recipe for happiness had I come upon? Let me stop being a cat for moment...
Maybe then is when it happened. When a desire arose to see through that vision and become a part of that beauty. I had been going about it all wrong all by myself. I needed a partner all along. I need him. And he needs me. We need each other to shine through the banality of our everyday struggles.
Yes, we can be successful. But moreover, it IS possible for both of us to be happy and to be happy together in this vile and ugly world. Go figure.
Memories on the Rebound
What you have to understand is that it never ended. Partly because it never really started. It took about 20 years of incubation for the moment to arrive.
I have to admit that I was hooked from the start. There was something about the lad that caught my eye. And although it felt like he put me off in the beginning, here we are today.
And I feel our connection much more deeply now. Or maybe I have just allowed it to finally sink in. We are alike in some creepy ways. You can say that he is the male version of me in many cases. Yeah, can you imagine?
That would be a scary thought. Except not because there is a shared understanding on our outlook of life, on this dread of existence. I believe our foundations are the same if not very similar. The disparity clearly arises in presentation.
He looks at things from earth whereas I see things from heaven. Our minds meet in the middle and I have to say that intellectual intimacy has never been an issue for us. It is the extension of that that he had invited. Being on different channels, I missed that call altogether. Until now, anyway.
And I do not mind coming down from the clouds to engage an uncertain possibility. I am seriously intrigued by the prospect although quite frightened by the notion of appearing on a channel other than cartoon. Will my animated character be able to step up to this new kind of interaction?
Therein is the challenge, to grow beyond our zone of ease and comfort. And many of you would say it is about time anyway. I am up to take a leap of faith. I am curious to meet this mystery, the more to life than I know already.
Do not get me wrong, I have my doubts, especially since I cannot delineate between fantasy and reality anymore. But the point is to try this out. The effort means a great deal. I have to take a chance and see what becomes of it. If nothing else, I will have ample new material for more writing.
I have to admit that I was hooked from the start. There was something about the lad that caught my eye. And although it felt like he put me off in the beginning, here we are today.
And I feel our connection much more deeply now. Or maybe I have just allowed it to finally sink in. We are alike in some creepy ways. You can say that he is the male version of me in many cases. Yeah, can you imagine?
That would be a scary thought. Except not because there is a shared understanding on our outlook of life, on this dread of existence. I believe our foundations are the same if not very similar. The disparity clearly arises in presentation.
He looks at things from earth whereas I see things from heaven. Our minds meet in the middle and I have to say that intellectual intimacy has never been an issue for us. It is the extension of that that he had invited. Being on different channels, I missed that call altogether. Until now, anyway.
And I do not mind coming down from the clouds to engage an uncertain possibility. I am seriously intrigued by the prospect although quite frightened by the notion of appearing on a channel other than cartoon. Will my animated character be able to step up to this new kind of interaction?
Therein is the challenge, to grow beyond our zone of ease and comfort. And many of you would say it is about time anyway. I am up to take a leap of faith. I am curious to meet this mystery, the more to life than I know already.
Do not get me wrong, I have my doubts, especially since I cannot delineate between fantasy and reality anymore. But the point is to try this out. The effort means a great deal. I have to take a chance and see what becomes of it. If nothing else, I will have ample new material for more writing.
An eXplosive Moment
It was quick. A loud and resonant boom. And then my windshield was broken. Just like that. Fortunately, I was only around the corner from my final destination.
Dynamic Coordinates
Forget about a single place to call home. Right now, I am coming up with a new definition of home.
I alternate between two locations now for sleep. Pick the day because it is pretty much predictable. Both offer a relatively convenient commute to the present place of employment as well as to the new location for martial arts training.
A need for tidiness drives me from one to the other.
However, my library and office components are collected in the cluttered location, which also happens to feature loads of sunlight. That, along with my present nursery of plants, keeps me going back there.
The other location has tremendous garden potential. Oh! How easily I can convert it into a floral palace! I have many ideas but very little if any funding right now. I can go on about the cooking opportunities, too. Inspiration is easy when things around are clean and ready for use.
Rumor has it that a third location is in the works. It is a bit more on the far side so it may be more of a weekend residence as it offers a different manner of comfort. Actually, I would not mind *not* sleeping alone for a change.
I alternate between two locations now for sleep. Pick the day because it is pretty much predictable. Both offer a relatively convenient commute to the present place of employment as well as to the new location for martial arts training.
A need for tidiness drives me from one to the other.
However, my library and office components are collected in the cluttered location, which also happens to feature loads of sunlight. That, along with my present nursery of plants, keeps me going back there.
The other location has tremendous garden potential. Oh! How easily I can convert it into a floral palace! I have many ideas but very little if any funding right now. I can go on about the cooking opportunities, too. Inspiration is easy when things around are clean and ready for use.
Rumor has it that a third location is in the works. It is a bit more on the far side so it may be more of a weekend residence as it offers a different manner of comfort. Actually, I would not mind *not* sleeping alone for a change.
12.10.08
Home is Where?
We still cannot decide between San Francisco and Silicon Valley.
Although ALL of my academic classes are now in SF, more of my work has been in Silicon Valley. Mountain View worked perfectly before. I am sure it can work out well again for me. Plus it has additional perks... But I can actually pay cheaper rent in SF!
Although ALL of my academic classes are now in SF, more of my work has been in Silicon Valley. Mountain View worked perfectly before. I am sure it can work out well again for me. Plus it has additional perks... But I can actually pay cheaper rent in SF!
23.9.08
Emergence
I have returned. I am around. I can still see you. I do Aikido almost everyday. I dress a little differently now. I teach in a private school. I came very close to joining the circus. I turned down graduate school. I did not leave Puerto Rico for good. I will go back to Japan. I love Montreal more than Vancouver. I adore my cats. I worship my plants. I created a memorial garden for all of my deceased relatives. I finally updated my web site. I enjoy dance music. I fancy chimes and bells. I still hang out in the library. I drive a Vespa now. I own more books. I can read Mandarin.
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